Digital Ramblings

FUCK

YOU.

What if?

What if the answer is right in front of me? That I’m choosing to ignore the obvious and I’m blinded by hope? I don’t want to think so but there’s a part of me that does. I think its time to put this to bed once and for all….

Friends?

What friends?

2013

Started off with a dud. 

Sat alone in my apartment all night. Did nothing productive

I got a grand total of 1 text message. From my mom. Guess my friends really give a shit. 

Going to bed now. Just like I do every night. Tomorrow should be about as productive as tonight was. Which was none at all. 

Yay me. 

Yay 2013. 

-____-

Pointless rambling

What do you do when something you want is the last thing you need? When, even through it all, it’s something that makes you feel happy yet eats at you the most? 

People like to make things out to be black or white. Not in the racial sense but more so in the sense of there are only 2 options to anything. However, I question why, if at all, that’s the case? Isn’t it possible for there to be a 3rd (or more) option, a sort-of grey area that exists between the two? Sure, each side has its merits, but no side is without flaw. Its our perspective of these sides which creates the flaws but not everyone has the same perspective. 

You could continue to extrapolate things further and consider the quantity of each. Is one side more trustworthy simply because there are more of them shouting it? Or is the other side more trustworthy because it’s not the popular decision? One might say, and this doesn’t always apply for obvious reasons, that because there are more, the chances of them having experience makes their opinions matter. Honestly, that’s a very true and valid point to be made, especially given who I am. 

Yet, even for someone who values their friends and their opinions as much as I do, as someone who often unknowingly seeks their approval for many decisions, I find myself wanting to go against their grain, to do what I think may be best. Yet as soon as I find myself wanting to choose the path, I remember their voices and how much I agree with what they said. 

As I type this, I find myself stuck in that grey area, between the white and the black of the decision. On one side, you have the people who matter most, the people I would NEVER want to disappoint and let down, and the path that I know they agree upon. The other… is the side which at times has brought me some of the best happiness I’ve had in some time, something I desperately have been looking for. My fears, though, exist for both; I could be leaving behind something that means more than what I think, a happiness I’ve looked for, or the happiness I feel is a veil of the truth which I’ve chosen to ignore. 

A week ago, I was on the first bandwagon. Actions, however, speak loudly, and they have made me wonder which really holds the truth, and whether the solution I need is the one I’m not thinking about… 

What If…

What if I told you the worst thing for me was the thing I wanted most? What if I said that even after everything, it’s still something that makes me feel the best? It kills me to think about that, but sometimes thats how it all works out. Follow your heart and youll never go wrong.